Who am I but a flag blowing in the wind.
I dare not say candle for the candles flame can be blown out.
I fear that one of lifes gusts may blow a little too hard and extinguish me.
The me inside buried deep yet exposed and afraid.
After a good weekend with my girls I made a mistake. Thinking that I was bring kind I managed to hurt and make someone I love and care for very much angry with me. This happened through being blown by lifes winds and gusts.
This pretty much sums up my life. Blown from one thing to the next and largely with little direction or navigation. I was asked do I want to go on like this? And that has led to thoughts of who am i?
Who am i?
That should be one of the easiest questions to answer, shouldn’t it?
When I ask myself that very question I get a blank sheet or at least it feels like a blank sheet.
I know who I am from the shape the winds have blown me into.
I know who I would probably like to be or rather how I would like to be.
But who am I ?
Right now, right here as I write this.
I put glue required as I feel that the winds of life have buffeted and battered, torn and smashed me about so much that I am a myriad of tiny fragments. Not sure I have re time or patience to stick me back together and coming back to who am I… I don’t know what shape I should take. A little like a puzzle with a myriad of pieces and no picture to work from.
I fail a lot of people in a lot of ways.
I know I am tired.
I know that I need to eat.
I know a lot of the good advice.
I know that I am allowing negative thoughts and perceptions to rule my morning mind.
I feel alone. Yet I know a lot of people and I sit amongst some good friends. One even asked me specifically if I was ‘alright’ and I lied. Nodded my head and said yes. Gave a bit of the reasoning for why I seem sad.
I realise that there will be good and bad days. I realise that this is how it has to be.
I fight, hard.
I fight to stop the negatives. To stop the tears from welling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
I fight to see a positive future for my girls and me.
Damn the tears that blur my typing!
I fight to not become prejudiced. To not latch onto the thoughts that would twist and alter my approach to life and others.
I fight despair and the challenge that the tide will consume me.
I try to be strong. To do right by others and that just seems to cause me to hurt yet others still.
So where is the glue?
And show me the helm…
For if I am to survive I must take form…
Take hold the rudder to turn this vessel of my soul into the wind and the coming storm!