Time to time we all face our dark moments. Much like a rollercoaster it seems the higher you are the further you have to fall.
I have had a good few weeks, being away doing training which has been good in several ways. Firstly, it took me away to a new place with colleagues who have very much a can do attitude. Secondly, it gave me opportunities to succeed in a demanding yet well managed environment. Ironically it put me I a position of trust and command, leading others, inspiring and lifting them when they were a little low or challenged by the demanding training.
This was all topped off with a wonderful weekend with one who I love dearly on my return before the drudge of every day life kicked back in.
However from this high point on my rollercoaster ride of a life there has been a steady slide and then a bit of a plummet in to the dreary darkness again.
I had not realised how fragile I still am. In trying to please too many people too much of the time it seems I simply hurt too many people too much of the time.
A slight knock late in an evening has snowballed. Picking up debry as it goes. Work has been challenging, not in a good way hence a feeling of failure there. Seeing my girls, something I love and cherish very much, reminds me I struggle to provide for them or give them all they deserve. Other characters remind me of how I am failing in many aspects of both fatherhood and life too.
I am fighting the desire to lock the world out. To close the door, fasten the Windows and drawer the curtains. My phone becomes the bearer of bad news. The very people I should be supporting and helping I withdraw from at the very times they need me most.
Feelings of failure, of being a burden, a sense that there is little I can do other than empty my pockets and sink as I struggle to tread water threatens to engulf me.
I look for the big wave but it is dark, cold and lonely. I don’t know which way it will come from, nor when. All I can do is try to stay afloat and hope I have the stamina and resources within me to meet the challenge.
Though they may not see it nor feel it I persevere for my girls, my family and the one I love. I hold on when all I have is the little voice deep inside whispering “hold on”.