#depression – seeking a light in the dark when all others have gone out…

Time to time we all face our dark moments. Much like a rollercoaster it seems the higher you are the further you have to fall.

I have had a good few weeks, being away doing training which has been good in several ways. Firstly, it took me away to a new place with colleagues who have very much a can do attitude. Secondly, it gave me opportunities to succeed in a demanding yet well managed environment. Ironically it put me I a position of trust and command, leading others, inspiring and lifting them when they were a little low or challenged by the demanding training.

This was all topped off with a wonderful weekend with one who I love dearly on my return before the drudge of every day life kicked back in.

However from this high point on my rollercoaster ride of a life there has been a steady slide and then a bit of a plummet in to the dreary darkness again.

I had not realised how fragile I still am. In trying to please too many people too much of the time it seems I simply hurt too many people too much of the time.

A slight knock late in an evening has snowballed. Picking up debry as it goes. Work has been challenging, not in a good way hence a feeling of failure there. Seeing my girls, something I love and cherish very much, reminds me I struggle to provide for them or give them all they deserve. Other characters remind me of how I am failing in many aspects of both fatherhood and life too.

I am fighting the desire to lock the world out. To close the door, fasten the Windows and drawer the curtains. My phone becomes the bearer of bad news. The very people I should be supporting and helping I withdraw from at the very times they need me most.

Feelings of failure, of being a burden, a sense that there is little I can do other than empty my pockets and sink as I struggle to tread water threatens to engulf me.

I look for the big wave but it is dark, cold and lonely. I don’t know which way it will come from, nor when. All I can do is try to stay afloat and hope I have the stamina and resources within me to meet the challenge.

Though they may not see it nor feel it I persevere for my girls, my family and the one I love. I hold on when all I have is the little voice deep inside whispering “hold on”.

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2 thoughts on “#depression – seeking a light in the dark when all others have gone out…

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  1. Depression and deep sorrow are something that I know well. I go through long periods where I am fine and then like an unwelcome guest, the sorrow descends and I am lost and afraid in the dark. Cling fast to the idea of your own “invincible preciousness.” Know that you are not alone, that this state is part and parcel of the human condition. Sending you love…and hold on. It’s all going to be okay.

  2. I will sing even when I have to pick flowers and thorns. – St Therese of Lisieux
    Let us always encourage one another with the never ending love & light that dwells within the reservoir of our soul when all other lights have gone out. In the darkest of nights the light shines even brighter…recommend Dark Night of the Soul by St John of the Cross

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