After two years of resisting vehemently the anti-depressant route I finally succumbed and took the advice of loved ones and the doctor.
The reason I have been reluctant is that I do not want to become the stereotype hooked on my chemical crutch. Unable to live a full life without the regular hit of whatever it is anti-depressants do.
Another reason for the reluctance is that it would have a moral and real impact on my role as a soldier. I have fought depression without sharing with the military powers that be. To then be taking anti-depressants whilst at the same time having full access to a wide range of lethal weapons and ammunition would put me in a position that they could not allow.
So I have taken the difficult decision to take a step back with a long term leave of absence. We shall see how this affects me as pulling on the uniform gave me a different world that I could step into where I was strong and capable.
It is now two and a half months since I started on the very low dose medication. So far it seems to have had a very positive effect of calling my busy mind. Allowing me to deal with a lot of challenges all happening at once that would otherwise have capsized me. In fairness I feel right now that I am facing the tsunami wave just like George Cluney at the end of Perfect Storm. In my case though I am, like him, steering straight into it. I will ride it out, unlike his character. I will triumph in the calmer waters on the other side.
We shall see what life holds for me in two to three months time.. I am looking for the green grass, the soft sun and the blue skies of summer… Hopefully nearly chemical free!