Today is one of those challenging days.
I’m laid here on my bed with tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. I feel sick, my heart is racing and breaking, my body aches and I am tired.
For it is exhausting trying to be positive. To smile, to laugh and to hide the turmoil inside.
There is no choice I must be happy and positive.
There are two little adventurers downstairs watching a film on Netflix who need me. They need to see and feel dad is ok. That dad is happy and loving and full of adventure.
It is not their fault I feel like this. I have largely brought it upon myself.
But it is exhausting constantly fighting to stay ahead of the depression and self-hatred.
The littlest thing reminds me of what I have lost. That I have destroyed the one relationship I truly loved with my selfishness.
The emotions are complex. Hatred rages within me for the hurt I have caused.
Loss and grief take me on a roller coaster ride.
My chest fills with a fiery heat that actually hurts. Often waking me several times in the middle of the night.
The heart races almost constantly. It has been four weeks now and my pulse is at least twenty points higher than normal still. I fear my heart will become fatigued soon.
For I still try to exercise in an effort to reap some benefit or simply to tire myself enough to fall asleep.
My ears are ringing. I don’t know why.
It is a lonely place I am right now.
Common sense tells me I have many people around me who care. But that does not take away from the isolated despair.
I missed a call the other day while at work and the message left struck me. I had written to the local mental health service to ask to be referred for treatment … Hopefully in an aim to come of the cotalopram antidepressants sometime in the spring.
A ladies voice left the message and she wanted to know that I was safe…
That I was safe… Me.
She explained that if I was struggling I could go to A&E and that I would be listened to.
Someone was concerned for my safety. I have never really considered myself at risk before.
Sure thoughts have come and gone about would everyone be better off without me around. I largely dismiss them. My mind being the way it is, stupidly practical, had already worked out how should I ever have the urge to ‘escape’ to do so with the least pain and discomfort both for me and others. But that is just a thought not a urge to act.
So to be openly asked ‘was I safe’. Made me stop and I could feel the tears welling up as I sat in the middle of the large open plan office I work in. Surrounded by colleagues.
At this time I am focussing on my little girls. They are two beautiful little people full of happiness, joy and potential.
People tell me I am a good day. I do try. I’m not perfect but I try to fill their world with adventures, new experiences, laughter, warmth, happiness and love.
And that is why I am also filled with this self-hatred for destroying the future they could have enjoyed. For hurting the woman I love and betraying her trust. We should all have had a wonderful, bright, warm, happy and loving future together.
I would do anything to change what has happened and repair the damage I have done.
To make it right.
To pay whatever penance was required.