Back into the chemical abys #depression

This is a personal note from me to… well whoever is out there…

Winter is coming

Knowing that autumn and winter were coming I made my preparations early.

Having finished with the antidepressants back in spring the summer had come as a boon. Things looked to be going well. A new relationship bloomed unexpectadly, my children were filling my days with adventure and discovery, a new car gave me new freedoms and incentive to get out and about. The various organisations I belong to were testing me in a good way. Life was looking good.

But winter was coming

It started with a car crash.

Thankfully no one else was involved, I walked away with only my pride a little bruised. With dented metal came the challenge of repair on the cheap as I’m not exactly flush with cash… but rich in many other ways so I am defintiely not complaining.

Swiftly following this came the challenging news that my eldest child was ill. Several hospital visits and multiple doctors appointements brought about a diagnosis. So begins a long term condition that hopefully will be outgrown.

Next came the challenge of the once blossoming relationship stuttering. Uncertainty began to creep in. Distance became a factor. Leading to seeming avoidance, without real explanation.

Many other factors began to play on my mind as well. Money, always the bane of life, seems shorter than usual with many costs rising and unforseen bills ariving, thank you tax people.

And winter was still coming

So I find myself, at the end of November, feeling rather alone.

Challenges pile up.

Doubts and inner voices start to niggle and chip away at my already low self-worth and esteem.

One of my challenges as a person is that I seem to think/feel I should not be a burden to anyone else. That I must sort and solve everything that I face alone.

This is unrealistic and wrong I realise. My perception onf the world around me is warping to fit the inner dialogue.

That frightens me.

I can see the difference. Identifying the real interpretation from the ficticious bias.

But what if I get to a stage where I cannot tell?

How will I know that things are not as I see them. That life is actually much better than my perception.

And winter gets nearer

So what am I doing to mitigate and fight all this?

For a start… I’m not doing nothing! For that way leads down into the depths of despair.

I meditate daily, working on maintaining my calm open state of mind.

I make sure I sleep as well as I can. Watching out to ensure I go to bed on time and stay in bed until the right sensible time to get up.

I eat. This is down to pure discipline. A lot of the time I am not hungary. But I ensure that I graze throughout the day. I also keep an eye on my weight which helps guide me and keeps a check that things are going ok.

I ensure I am socaible. Making sure I don’t run and hide. That I attend things when I am feeling more like staying in the shadows out of site.

I set myself little challenges that I know I can achieve.

I am seriously thinking of starting back on the antidepressants for the winter period. Having been very reluctant to use them in the first place I can see the value in the calming support they nurture. The calm harbour in the storm of life.

I value my time with my children. Seeking to make it as fun and happy and as full of love as we can.

I have taken the concious decision that being alone without a relationship will be best for the medium term. I am aware that I seemt o crave teh security of a relationship yet this has caused me much damage as a person and I may not actually be that good at relationships. The evidence litters my history.

I am looking to the future, making tentative plans. Taking care not to commit to things I probably cannot achieve.

So I face the winter… and I prepare… I open my toolbox and fine tune the various tools to help me cope with this seemingly dark period of the year, for me.

Winter with Christmas nestled at its heart should be filled with joy, light, happiness, fun, warmth and love. That I will make happen if not entirely for myself but for those around me… especially my children!

So my message to you is simple… it may seem that at times like these you are all alone in the sea of life… but you are not.. there are many others out there feeling exactly the same. People like me.

And we are swimming and fighting too…

I would love to hear from anyone feeling similarly alone… get in touch!



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