It’s been month or two now since coming off the antidepressants again … maybe longer, I’m not really sure. It wasn’t an event I have marked on the calendar.
Things have been ‘ok’. Life throws little challenges on a day to day basis and you deal with them. Using the proverbial toolbox to keep things steady, in perspective.
Then the bigger waves come. Some you see over the horizon. Some suddenly build before you. Like the waves of the ocean they can be treacherous, terrifying.
Now I’ve been around a bit and seen a lot. But there is nothing like the feeling of the wheels falling off while all those around you fail to recognise the train wreck unfolding so close to them. Even the people who know you well sometimes miss the tell tale signs.
It’s partly due to a lack of knowledge, expectation and understanding. A big factor for me is my ability to act. Or more to the point lie. I might go quiet or act a little different. To the onlookers I’m just having one of those days we all face from time to time.
I know I’m not alone. Damn it I am sat in an office bustling and busy. It would be hard to be more surrounded with people if I tried.
But I am alone.
Well nearly, there is my inner voice to keep me company. That is the rub. The inner voice is what does it for me.
I consider myself reasonably well education. Able to be rational and to rationalise.
Yet the depressive inner voice talks too me. Reasons with me. Talking me down and telling me of all the opportunities missed. The people I have failed. The way I can’t possibly be worthy. That I’m just not good enough.
I am fighting.
It may not seem it. The tears that spring to the eyes when I allow them… I don’t know why I cry.. I have little to no reason to.
Inside buried deep I am aware that actually I’ve done a lot, seen a lot, achieved a lot. There should be a humble pride. A confidence that swells up from within me. A calm confidence that shines forth. Seeking out all the opportunities that are out there.
I know they are out there.
Those seemingly illusive opportunities. When I’m on the antidepressants that calmness does flow forth. The opportunities are blatantly obvious, shining bright.
But that is another me. Is it the real me? Or a drug induced version of me.
I’m supposed to be going on a date tomorrow night. The single dad might have met someone nice who wants to get to know him.
But I’m terrified.
Because.. I’m not good enough, I’m a failure (though I don’t know how), they won’t like me for being me, I’ll be shy and too gentlemanly, perhaps I will be timid.
I know I will seem confident, the gentleman and polite. Conversation will flow. I can talk about just about anything.
But I suffer from depression.
The inner voice is in hyper mode. Who wants to know and be romantic with a guy like me. What have I got to offer someone, anyone?
I’m a single dad with little money and I fight with depression.
This is where I fight.
I realise I have actually got some things to be proud of.
We might not have a lot in terms of flash commodities like big TVs and the latest games console, or the like.
What we have got is a home. Filled from front door to back door, from the ground to the top of the roof with the trinkets and treasures of our adventures. The walls are hung with our artwork.
It may not been the neatest of homes. But it is clean and things have meaning. Working two jobs and trying to have a life for my little ones and myself means something has to give .. and that is the pristine house, sorry but that’s how it is.
Most of all my little ones and I are blessed to have somewhere to call home, even though we rent, and it is filled with laughter, adventure and most of all love.
I’m a single dad who is fighting depression and someday I’m going to win!